


they don't know what we know

by Lucyndareads



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: M/M, aka child abuse, i just really want Ciel and Alois to find happiness with each other, mentions of Ciel and Alois's pasts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-26 21:32:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5021269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucyndareads/pseuds/Lucyndareads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something keeps him living. It’s as if a small idiotic part of him stubbornly believes that his situation could get better.</p><p>A small idiotic part of him that’s still convinced he has a chance with Ciel Phantomhive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Alois cries often.

It’s shameful for a man, he knows. But then again, he’s never been much of a man, has he? And even when he’s not crying, he often wants to cry. There’s a river always threatening to brim over in his eyes, a dull pressure he fights against.

He knows he’s filth, a used up piece of rubbish. He knows that his life holds nothing for him, that every breath he takes is a waste of good clean air. Often he thinks wistfully of what it would be like to go to sleep and never wake up again, to never face the cold world that has brought him nothing but heartache.

Three years ago, Alois danced the Danse Macabre with Ciel and lost, taking a sword in his side. Three years ago, he ordered Hannah to take him to Phantomhive Manor so he could beg Ciel’s forgiveness, and convince him that Sebastian and Claude were plotting against them. Three years ago, he told Claude that the demon was his highness.

Three years ago, Claude tried to kill him.

Luckily Hannah arrived in time to save his life, but not in time to save him from the ultimate pain of Claude’s betrayal. It hurt far more than the sword in his side, almost as much as Luka’s death. With Hannah’s help, he redefined the contract so Claude could never betray him again. But his trust was obviously broken, and although Claude still waits on him hand and foot, the very sight of the demon makes Alois miserable.

But something keeps him living. It’s as if a small idiotic part of him stubbornly believes that his situation could get better.

A small idiotic part of him that’s still convinced he has a chance with Ciel Phantomhive.

Anyway, from that heartbreaking day on, Alois had thrown himself into, of all things, his proper job as the Earl of Trancy. He told himself that it was to keep him busy and to prove that he was just as good as any bloody noble-born sod. It took a while for the Queen to trust him, as she had all but abandoned the Trancys when rumor got around that Alois’s ‘beloved’ father had become too invested in his 'precious wards'. But once Alois visited her, she became delighted with having another ‘cute little boy’ to do her dirty work and accepted his help. And Alois proved his worth, using his demons to clean up England.

Of course, the real excuse for the Queen’s Spider coming back into action was far more pitiful: it gave Alois an excuse to see Ciel.

Ciel, beautiful Ciel. From the first moment Alois heard that name, he knew that it was a good omen. Of course, at the time he thought that it meant the perfect way to extract revenge, and now it meant... everything. Ciel was everything. Ciel made him feel like he wasn't alone in the world, like there was someone who knew exactly who he was. And Ciel was so fascinating, so intelligent, so clever. One time Alois saw him smile slightly and his heart actually throbbed. 

So spending time with Ciel was very important. 

 

* * *

 

The Queen sends him word of a warehouse full of smuggled drugs, telling him that the Watchdog has been sent out. As soon as he gets the letter, Alois rounds up the Thompson trio and has them take him to the crime scene. When he gets there, he’s delighted to find out that he’s just in time. Ciel is just about to leave, Sebastian in tow.

“Ah, Earl Phantomhive,” Alois says, jumping out of the carriage delicately. “What a pleasure, seeing you again.”

Ciel groans, pulling the brim of his hat down as he walks by. “Earl Trancy, riding my coattails as usual. Why Her Majesty trusts you, I’ll never know.”

“Well, someone’s got to clean up your mess,” says Alois. He opens his mouth to say more, but Ciel has already been helped into his carriage, which is now leaving.

This happens every time he finds Ciel at a crime scene. Ciel always acts as if he never knew Alois, as if nothing ever happened between them, as if Alois isn’t the only other person who could understand the pain of a young boy thrusted into adult life and tethered to a monster.

Clearly the casual approach isn’t enough, which is why Alois often invites Ciel over. Ciel usually accepts, if grudgingly, but all that’s happened during those visits has been small talk and empty threats.

Still, Alois continues to pursue Ciel, knowing that there must be _some_ part of Ciel that enjoys spending time with him. One day, he’ll get Ciel to admit it.

 

* * *

 

It's a day later, and Claude has just brought him his afternoon tea. To be honest, Alois absolutely _loathes_  tea. It tastes to him like hot, dirty water. But that’s what the nobles drink, and therefore Earl Alois Trancy must drink it also. He puts a lot of creme and sugar in it, which usually helps him keep it down.

“Claude,” he says suddenly.

“What is it, your highness,” Claude says, glancing down at Alois in his usual exasperated manner.

“I’m going to send a letter to Ciel Phantomhive.”

“And what exactly would you like this letter to say,” says Claude after a pause. He has that dreadful look in his eyes, that slight and awful smile widening his lips—the look that he always gets when Ciel is mentioned.

Alois swallows back the vomit. “I- I want to invite… no. Never mind.” Suddenly, he changes the plan. With a stronger voice, he says, “Write that I am going to pay a visit to the Phantomhive manor. With his leave.”

“And when will that be?” says Claude.

“Tuesday. At teatime,” Alois says decisively. Then, after a pause, he adds, “Tell him… tell him I greatly look forward to seeing him again.”

“Yes, your highness,” says Claude, bowing ever-so-slightly before turning to leave the room.

 

* * *

 

Ciel sent a letter back that was rife with annoyance, but accepted Alois’s future visit. Of course he accepted it; it wasn’t like Alois would ever take no for an answer, and Ciel knew that.

On the morning of the visit, like every morning of a day where he’ll be seeing Ciel, Alois has Hannah give him an extra-long bath, rub his limbs with sweet-smelling lotion, brush his hair till it’s silky, and put on just a tiny bit of makeup.

He stares in the mirror when she’s done, touching his face gently.

“Master.” Hannah is smiling at him reassuringly in the mirror. “You look wonderful.”

He’s too nervous to snap at her. “Maybe,” he concedes. “But that’s not enough, nowhere near enough. Ciel… Ciel is deeper than that, always has been.”

“Deeper down, you’re wonderful, too,” says Hannah, putting a delicate hand on his shoulder.

“You’re biased,” barks Alois, but he does feel a bit better.

 

* * *

 

He doesn’t want to bring Claude along, but he doesn’t consider the other demons strong enough to be a match for Sebastian.

As he steps up to the door of Phantomhive manor and watches Claude knock, he feels so nervous he thinks he might puke. _Hold it together, calm down, you idiot._  

The door opens, and it’s Sebastian welcoming them to the manor. But Alois barely registers it, rushing into the house and greeting Ciel with a big hug. “Ciel Phantomhive, it’s been so _long_!”

Ciel scoffs in disgust, shaking off Alois. “It’s been less than a week,” he says. “Far too short of a time span for me.”

“Very funny,” says Alois, with a pout. “Is that any way to greet a guest?”

Ciel lets out a long sigh. Finally he says, “Welcome, Lord Trancy,” in a monotone voice. “Please come this way, Sebastian has prepared tea in the parlor.”

“Thank you, Lord Phantomhive,” Alois says properly. “I think I shall.”

The spread in the parlor is as impressive as always; a neat table with a large tower of beautiful and delectable pastries, a set of high quality cups and saucers, accompanied by a teapot. Sebastian pours their tea (Assam black) and bows, excusing himself to exchange hostile glances and sniping words with Claude in the foyer.

Alois makes small talk, or tries to. Ciel isn’t responsive, and it’s hard to remain cheery and careless when the only light in his life won’t even make eye contact with him.

“What are you even doing here?” Ciel asks finally, interrupting Alois’s discussion about how he was somewhat frightened of horses.

“Do I need a reason to visit my friends?” says Alois, taking another one of those ridiculously delicious biscuits.

Ciel huffs out a breath. “You are most certainly *not* my friend,” he says.

The sweetness of the biscuit turns sickening in Alois’s mouth, and he swallows too much of it at once with his suddenly-dry throat. He feels his eyes begin to burn with tears, and he digs the sharp nails of his left hand into the meaty palm of his right.  _No, you useless slut, don’t you dare cry now._

He manages to tamp down his sorrow and sound perfectly carefree when he replies, “Oh, don’t be so dismissive, Ciel. We see each other so often, get together, have tea and pastries, and talk about our lives! What does that make us, if not friends?”

“We both serve the queen, one of us more than the other,” says Ciel dryly. “And we both are contracted to demon butlers who have ill-disguised animosity towards each other. Once upon a time, we tried to kill each other. I’d say that makes us rivals at best, bitter enemies at worst.”

The bizarre nature of the situation comes back to Alois, and he bursts into a fit of hysterical giggles. “That about sums up the situation,” he agrees, after the laughter ceases. “But I think you’re being a little harsh. Surely we’ve matured a great deal in these past few years; aren’t we capable of some sort of camaraderie?”

Ciel sighs. “Whatever you say, Alois.” His tone of voice communicates clearly that he is only agreeing because he is unwilling to start an argument.

Alois keeps talking, but his confidence has taken a hit, and his palms are sweaty. As he’s gesturing, he loses his grip on the cup and it falls to the ground, shattering. “I’m… I’m so sorry—“

“Don’t worry about it,” says Ciel with a sniff. “Hardly my best china.”

“Still, I’m sorry,” says Alois. “I’m so clumsy… here, I’ll clean it up.”

“Honestly,” Ciel says after a moment of him watching Alois scramble to pick up the pieces. “I’ll say it again; why do you keep coming here?

Alois tenses up, dropping a piece of china. “What do you mean?”

“I mean—oh, stop trying to clean that up, that’s what our butlers are for.” Alois slowly rises to his feet as Ciel continues. “I mean, what’s your endgame? What are you trying to accomplish?”

His tone is accusatory. Alois opens his mouth to reply, but Ciel steamrolls over him. “If you’re trying to win my trust just to betray me, good luck; I don’t trust anyone anymore. If you’re trying to learn any valuable secrets about me, you won’t. I prepare very carefully for your visits, up to and including dismissing my human servants for the day. Your disgusting spider-butler won’t find anything either; Sebastian watches him very carefully. All these visits are accomplishing is stressing me out. Give up, Alois, and go home.”

Alois has always hated the expression ‘heartbreak’. In his experience, the heart does not break. It festers, leaks, shrivels up throughout the years of loss and abuse. But at these words from Ciel, he actually feels something break inside of him. “You-“ he begins, before swallowing around the aching lump in his throat. “You think all this time I’ve only been trying… to get the better of you?”

“Oh, don’t pretend like it isn’t true,” Ciel says impatiently.

 _God, oh god, oh god_.

Alois feels the tears coming again, and this time he knows there’s no stopping them. Usually there’s a river in his eyes; right now there’s a tidal wave. “I… I can’t believe…” _Oh god, oh god_ , he’s such an ugly crier and Ciel is seeing, Ciel is looking at him with such revulsion.

“Must you cry about it, really?” Ciel says. “It’s disgraceful for a noble to—“

“I wasn’t!” says Alois loudly.

Ciel blinks. “What, now?”

“I wasn’t trying to get the better of you,” insists Alois through his sobs. “I only… I wanted to spend time with you!” He wipes his nose with his sleeve and sobs harder at the sight of snot on the fine purple waistcoat. _Repulsive, disgusting, filthy sniveling whore—_  

“What on earth are you on about, Alois?” demands Ciel.

Alois takes a shuddering breath. “I like s-spending time with you, Ciel. I j-just wanted to spend t-time with you. I enjoy y-your company!”

“But… but why?” says Ciel, frowning as if he really doesn’t understand. “Spend time with Claude. Or find another noble that actually wants to—“

“You don’t get it, do you?” Alois says with a humorless laugh. “As if Claude would want anything to do with me. And other nobles? Ciel, I’m the pariah of high society. None of the nobles want anything to do with me except Lizzie, and I don’t want Claude anywhere near her—“

“Of that we are one hundred percent in agreement,” Ciel says firmly, looking nauseated by the very thought.

“So you see?” says Alois, putting his hands on Ciel’s shoulders. “You’re all I have!”

Ciel looks at the hands and sighs. “Alois, I just cannot fathom why you’d want to spend time with someone who has made it very clear—“

As Ciel begins to speak, Alois feels rage and desperation building up inside of him.

Suddenly, he grabs the table and overturns it with a fierce jerk of his arms and a half-crazed yell. The china shatters dramatically, the icing on the pastries gets smushed on the ground, the cookies crumble. Ciel cries out in surprise, sliding back to avoid the mess.

“You heartless bastard!” Alois shouts, his chest heaving. “You soulless lout!”

“What in the seven hells do you think you’re doing?” demands Ciel, standing up in alarm and looking between the mess and Alois.

Alois lets out what could only be described as a roar, grabbing fistfuls of his hair. “Don’t you dare act like you don’t know what you’re doing to me!” he says, pulling until his head aches.

“You’re going to pull out your hair, you bloody idiot!” Ciel says, hurrying forward to grab Alois’s wrists. His grip is a lot stronger than Alois would have expected.

“Why do you care?” says Alois, letting out hideous, gurgling laughter. “You don’t care. You don’t care. You don’t—“

“That isn’t- I just- ugh!” Ciel says, pushing Alois back and running a hand through his hair. “You make things so complicated, you’re so confusing! I still don’t understand why you’re so preoccupied with me!”

“I _love_ you, you stuck-up prig!” says Alois, grabbing the lapels of Ciel’s waistcoat and shaking him roughly. The tears are still streaming.

Ciel gapes at him for a second. “What do you mean?”

“I think you know very well what I mean!” says Alois. “I-“

“Master.” 

Alois and Ciel look towards the door to see Sebastian, eyes glowing red as he takes in the smashed china, the upturned table, Alois’s hands clutching Ciel’s lapels.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re the only person in the world who worries about me.”

“Would you like me to escort Lord Trancy out?” Sebastian says. His voice is soft, but there’s steel behind it.

Alois releases Ciel’s lapels, stepping back slowly. Sebastian always looks at him with such disdain; Alois can still remember the way the demon called him vulgar and foul. He knows that Sebastian would kill him without a second thought, and now he knows that Claude wouldn’t protect him unless under a direct order.

He opens his mouth to summon Claude, but Ciel speaks first. “No, it’s fine, Sebastian.”

Sebastian looks as confused as Alois feels. “My lord,” he says, “Are you sure? If I may speak—“

“You may not,” says Ciel flatly. “Lord Trancy and I will be moving upstairs to my study. Clean up this mess and return to your duties.”

“Young master,” Sebastian says, his eyes flitting back and forth from Ciel to Alois. “He could—“

“I’ll be fine, Sebastian,” says Ciel, his tone softening slightly. “Just make sure you keep an eye on the spider.”

There’s a moment where the two of them look at each other, master and butler, prey and demon, and something passes between them that Alois can’t possibly fathom. Whatever it is, it brings a lump to his throat. Then Sebastian breaks the moment by grinning wolfishly. “Oh, no need to worry about that,” he says. “Claude is… indisposed at the moment.”

“Excellent,” Ciel says with an equally wolfish smile. “I’ll call you if I feel the need. Come, Alois.” He turns to leave the room. With a last nervous look at Sebastian, currently stopping to pick up the broken china, Alois follows him.

“He seemed worried,” says Alois, hurrying to catch up with Ciel as they head up a flight of stairs.

Ciel sighs. “He cares too much, that foolish creature.”

“Cares?” repeats Alois.“Sebastian _cares_?”

“Yes,” says Ciel. “Stupid, isn’t it? He’s a terrible demon.”

“Stupid?” Alois says. “It’s marvelous, it’s… it’s so you, Ciel.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” says Ciel as they reach a door. He stops, opening it and allowing Alois through.

“He loves you,” says Alois, skipping into the room and flopping on the nearest couch. “I love you, Lizzie loves you. Hell, even _Claude_ loves you.”

“I really wouldn’t call that last one love,” Ciel says, sitting delicately in the chair opposite the couch that Alois is on. He looks incredibly uncomfortable.

Alois sinks into the couch, flicking a dismissive hand. “He loves you, he wants to fuck you and eat your soul. Same difference. Still a form of love.”

Ciel sighs, long and weary. “You worry me immensely, Alois,” he says quietly.

Alois feels his heart flutter. “Really?” he says gravely, sitting up and leaning forward. “Do you really mean it?”

“Yes,” says Ciel, looking a little disconcerted but maintaining their eye contact.

 _His eye is so beautiful._  Alois can feel his own eyes starting to sting again. “You’re the only person in the world who worries about me.” He begins to weep again, this time with quiet sniffs.

“That’s not what I… oh, for God’s sake, use this,” says Ciel, digging in his coat pocket for a silken white hankerchief, which he thrusts at Alois.

“Thank you,” Alois sobs, dabbing at his eyes before blowing his nose. _Now I’ve soiled his nice handkerchief. Filthy, disgusting…_

“Isn’t it exhausting, crying so much?” says Ciel. His tone is soft.

“I can’t help it,” Alois says bitterly. “It’s as if I’m constantly leaking. Especially when I think of you.”

Ciel’s eye widens, and then he sighs again. “Alois, I don’t know how to put this. I- I just… I can’t…” Alois puts his head down, ready for abuse. “Your love scares me,” blurts Ciel. “I worry I’m too broken to handle it properly.”

Stunned, Alois stares at him. “Broken?” he says. “You think _you're_ too broken?”

“Yes, I—“ begins Ciel.

But Alois interrupts him, saying loudly, “Did you know that I was ten the first time I was fucked, Ciel? Ten years old? And it wasn’t my choice.” Instantly he regrets it. He doesn’t want to see a mixture of human pity and societal revulsion pass through Ciel’s eyes.

But all Ciel does is widen his eye incredulously and say, “What, really? That’s hysterical.”

Alois stares at him. “Did you just say me being fucked at the age of ten was hysterical?”

Now it’s Ciel’s turn to be flustered. “What? I- no! I only meant… Same here.”

“What?” says Alois. The two of them look at each other for a moment, and it’s hard to tell who’s more confused.

“When I was sold,” Ciel explains. “You know about my past, don’t you?” Alois shakes his head dumbly. Ciel takes a deep breath, steeling himself. “After my parents died, I was dragged through England’s underground for a while, being sold to the highest bidder,” he says, his hands squeezing his upper thighs. “I was… well. It happened more than once.”

There’s a pause, as Alois frantically tries to think of something to say. He’s reeling from this new revelation. “I never knew,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.”

“And you?” says Ciel gingerly. “How did it—“

“My ‘father’,” says Alois. “Kept a collection of boys. I was his favorite, so I became his ‘son’.”

Ciel exhales slowly. “That bloody bastard,” he says. “But you killed him?”

“He died like a dog,” says Alois viciously.“Well, a dog practically turned inside out, that is.”

Ciel nods approvingly. “Good,” he says.

The approval makes Alois feel all warm and fuzzy inside; he giggles and wraps his arms around himself. “It was fun,” he says. “Claude did a good job.”

“For once,” the two boys say in unison. They look at each other for a moment.

Ciel clears his throat. “I heard what happened, three years ago.”

“How?” says Alois.

“That dreadful Grell Sutcliffe,” says Ciel with a roll of his eyes, “is a terrible gossip.”

“Oh,” says Alois. He looks down. “So you know about… about what Claude did.”

“I’m sorry,” says Ciel. “Sebastian may be a demon, but Claude is another matter altogether. Poisonous. I hate the way he looks at me.”

“He tried to kill me because of you,” says Alois glumly. “He wants your soul instead of mine.”

Ciel sighs. “All I hear about is my soul. It’s the only reason I’m alive; sometimes I think it’s the only worthwhile thing about me.”

“It’s not,” Alois says quickly. “You’re so smart, and funny—“

“ _Funny_?” says Ciel, looking at Alois as if he’s lost his mind.

“You make me laugh!” says Alois. “You’re fun to talk to. And you’re so beautiful, Ciel, you really are; I can’t stop thinking about your lips, your cute little nose, your big, gorgeous eyes—I think I like the blue one better, but the purple is so pretty, and—“

“Enough!” Ciel says loudly. To Alois’s delight, his face is flushed crimson, and he covers it with his hands. “Enough,” he repeats, muffled through his hands. Then he drops them to his sides and continues, “I… thank you, Alois. That’s… that’s all very—“

“Weird,” says Alois sheepishly, bowing his head. “Sorry, that was… I shouldn’t have said it; I’m sorry, Ciel. It’s just when I’m around you, I get… well. You’re just… I know next to you I’m utter rubbish, and I—“

“You’re not,” says Ciel. Alois frowns at him, and he sighs. “Alois, you’re not rubbish. I… Don’t make me say this.”

“Say what?” Alois says, his tone hopeful.

Ciel groans, averting his eyes. He’s still blushing. “You… I think you’re… certainly not ugly…” Alois gives him a look. “I told you, I’m bad at this! I’m bad at… at love stuff.”

Alois blinks. “Are… are you saying that you love me, then?” he says softly, hardly daring to believe it. Ciel says nothing, just grumbles. “You don’t have to say it, but it seems like—“

“It was your legs,” Ciel blurts. “It was your legs that first… I… you wear those… those stockings that bare that small part of your thighs—honestly, it’s hardly appropriate dress—and one day I found that I couldn’t stop… looking at it. At your thighs. And then I knew.”

“You got hard because of my thighs?” Alois says, grinning. On the inside, however, he’s a bit disappointed that Ciel’s affections are limited to pure lust.

Ciel cringes. “Don’t… don’t say it like _that_ ,” he says.

“Anyway. The next thing I noticed was… was your voice.”

“My _voice_?”

“It’s nice,” says Ciel defensively. “Bubbly, like champagne. I… I realized that I enjoyed listening to you speak. And then I realized that I cared about what you said. And I wanted you to be happy, for real. Because I can tell when you're really happy and when you're faking it. And I wanted to see your real smile- are you blushing?”

“No!” says Alois, but he feels his face heating up. He covers it and groans, completely unused to so much love. “Ciel Phantomhive, you’ll be the death of me.”

“Funny,” Ciel says with a huff of laughter. “I’ve always thought that about you.”

“And it doesn’t bother you, being attracted to a man?” says Alois hopefully.

Ciel shakes his head. “I’ve already made a contract with a demon,” he says. “A little more sin can’t hurt.”

“Amen,” says Alois happily. Then he gets serious. “Ciel? Can… can I kiss you?”

Ciel inhales sharply, his eyes widening. “Kiss me?” he says, his voice breaking. He clears his throat before saying, “I… suppose it would be appropriate. Yes. You may kiss me.”

Alois smiles and puts his hands on Ciel’s shoulders. Ciel twitches but makes no move to back away; on the contrary, he leans in a bit, flushing pink. Alois leans in too, and closes the gap between their lips. It’s not the neatest kiss, but it sends electricity through Alois’s body, jolting him to the core. And from the gasp that Ciel makes, Alois can tell that he feels it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if I get enough encouragement, I may continue this. If not, thank you so much for reading!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and thank you for reading! Sorry I've been so inactive; my muse seems to have left me, for the most part. But gosh I love Cielois! (Yeah, shameless multishipper...) And I've been so disappointed with the amount and quality of the Cielois fics I've discovered, so I've decided to contribute! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)
> 
> P.S. the title is taken from the song Porno by Arcade Fire. One of the many songs from my Cielois playlist


End file.
